If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
You Might Also Like
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Botany good plants lately?
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest