People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
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A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I have written yet another poem about laundry
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
S O O N
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.