him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.