Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My first son he is wonderful
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A short story of betrayal:
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.