[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six