I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
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self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
channeling her this year
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.