Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Thursday Thought.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.