These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*