Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
You Might Also Like
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.