For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
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Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Called it
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.