Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
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Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.