The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
@funTweeters I am at your service….