Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
it’s the silliest best thing
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.