“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: