Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
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My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Sharon I have some bad news
Straight people are cancelled
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Lucky old June.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein