Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
You Might Also Like
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Our lord and savoury.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.