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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…