My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Merry Christmas
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand