I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Gods work.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…