If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table