my favorite genre of twitter
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I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
This is a whole mood;
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.