Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I have two kinds of followers
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
They did not miss in the small print
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?