Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds