GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up