A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
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[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Jupiter
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.