we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.