*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE