Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.