Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My time has come.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
This is so me 😂😂
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER