‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
You Might Also Like
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
OH. COME. ON.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that