ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
why isn’t he texting back
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*puts cutlery down*
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.