No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.