Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.