I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.