I am yelling
You Might Also Like
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Human are so complicated
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
this post was so formative to me
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.