I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
how much for the angry fruit?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
He a real one for that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting