I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
You Might Also Like
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Have a lovely day 😊
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
You got this…
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.