Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
You Might Also Like
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Got ya covered
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.