Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
You Might Also Like
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL