Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Here’s a meme
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
For those that worship cheese..
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.