My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
You Might Also Like
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My dog ate my work from home.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0