me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
*eats only grass-fed donuts
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
? 💀
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
How funny!
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.