The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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Take my advice, I’m not using it.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.