Jogging has never helped my memory.
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CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Try and stop me.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.