I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
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I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.