Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!