Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
You Might Also Like
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
It’s the weekend y’all
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.