“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice