Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.