INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Me :
All Day At Night
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?